The blood is boiling …

Despite my violent antics during training courses and my more mysterious side – I am now genuinely on the warpath! I’m in Trowbridge and although its hot here – the group I’m working with are a pleasant and genuine group of people – it has nothing to do with them. Someone, however,  has crossed me tonight – a bully – and I am on the warpath!

I can feel my fingers tingling, and I know I won’t sleep tonight. Goodness knows what state I’ll be in by tommorrow morning.  Unfortunately (or fortunately – however you see it) I can’t get to this person (people) right now as I’m not in Bristol. I have, however, called them and told them that I’m on my way and I’ll call on them tommorrow when I get back.

While I feel like letting rip, I think the COLD approach may be more effective. These days I tend to scream and shout a lot, causing a lot of fear and flurry. But I recall when I ran St. Elizabeth’s – no one could ever recall me screaming or shouting, but many recalled the coldness of my anger.

It was, as it is now (with my training) all an act.

But now it’s for real and it’s not the time for ranting – that’s what they’re expecting. Instead I’ll let them squirm – say little and stare a lot – and when they’ve backed themselves into a corner, I’ll go for the kill! These guys are way out of their depth!

Listen to me – Gangsta Bourne! Well may be I’m a bit of a scaredy cat – but I they don’t know that and I think I’m a far better actor than them – and this is my business!

And actually, I am angrier and more upset right now than I can recall for a long time.

It leads me on to who could be in danger. No-one, other than those involved,  so most of you are safe. But if someone crossed my path and wouldn’t back of, there might be a war. I think about being in Belfast – most people, even during the Troubles – were probably safer there than they would be in most parts of the UK.  But if you were in the wrong place at the wrong time …

When I go to war – sorry – looking for reconcilliation – tommorrow night, it has to be tactical. I also need to know what I require to withdraw. I can be silent and menacing, but they have to have let out too.

You can catch up with this thrilling next installment – if I’m still alive – tomorrow!

Personally, I hate this stuff, I hate the feeling that hangs around, and I just wish this stuff didn’t have to happen. It’s my business – violence – but but I wish it’d stop and people  could just be left alone to get on with their lives.

Filed under: General, Violence, anticipated violence, hate, hatred, intimidation, neighbourhood problems, psychopathy, threats, Violence

Being in a Queue

I’m in Belfast again. In  fact I am in Bristol Airport so often that other travellers are beginning to recognise and talk to me! This time I was stuck in a “Speedy Boarding” Easyjet queue that was slower than the “Slow” queue. I suddenly was aware that my bag was vibrating and carefully started to investigate – acutely aware that the same bag mostly contained various weapons and blood-soaked clothes. A blood-stained knife fell out in the process of turning off my electric toothbrush. Smiling profusely and trying not to sound too Iranian I apologised and pushed everything back into my bag (which actually also has bloodstains on the outside).

The man behind me in the queue then starts talkling to me about the length of the queue! He clearly thinks that the knife is not an obvious topic of conversation but that we are kindred spirits because we have a mutual waiting experience.

Actually,  he was South African, as is my mother. So we had a good discussion about SA. It moved onto sport and I realised I had torn loyalties. I am British, but if it comes to supporting England or Scoitland it will always be Scotland (my dad was Scottish) – but actually I probably have more South African blood than anything else. The Lions are in SA right now, but I want them to win. Yet if the Springboks came here – I think I would want them to win … unless they were the favourites in  which case everything changes.

I have a strong feeling about all of this – its just that I don’t know what it is!

Filed under: General, airports, belfast, queing, south africa, sports, travel

Milton Keynes – part two

Well I woke up this morning in MK and the sun was out. So I set off following my gridlike map. It is a compleetely surreal experience. You never see more than four people at any one time and they are always walking at right angles to one another – and always at the same calm, but business-like pace. No slouching, no running – and they are all smartly dressed. At first I thought that this was SimWorld, then I started thinking about the Stepford Wives. I believe I am really good with maps and directions, but its incredible how quickly I got lost. The trouble is there are no landmarks and if you turn around, you can’t be sure that you’re still walking in the same direction – a bit like walking in a desert. Spookier still, the first set of people I asked directions from were a group of young people from the YMCA – the place I was trying to get to. They apparently thought I might be the new securuty guy! Further along a car stopped by me and asked if I was going to the training and immediately gave me directions. How did he know who I was – do I look like a trainer as well as a security guy – are there no other courses happening in MK? At this point, I decided that I was in the Truman Show!

It’s very leafy and in some ways I quite like its slowness, space, and other-worldliness. It reminds me of small town provincial USA. The group were not at all Stepfordwivian – but I still don’t know what you call a person who comes from MK!

Filed under: General, Milton Keynes

Strange Year and Can You Predict Anything

Some years go by with out you noticing them, others are hard and stressful, some may even involve great joy. But this year has been peculiar. So many things have happened that I’ve probably forgotten them. I fell in Belfast, cracked my ribs, was ferried about Belfast’s various A&E Departments, crashed my car (a Jag which ended up like a mini on the middle lane of the M25 at rush hour), found myself surrounded by gunmen (thankfully NIPS) at Stormont and had all sorts of near misses, almost on a daily basis. Today the story continued – I was driving along the M42 when a boulder hit the motorway and headed towards my (new car), I tried speeding up to avoid it but – THUNK!! – it hit hard and I drove on.  I arrived in Nottingham an hour later fearing the worst – but the car was thankfully okay. May be Audis are impervious. A week or so ago, driving a hired Audi, I found myself trapped in the middle of Hounslow Market – with a deadline to get back to Bristol.  Stalls were all around us and there was no wiggle room at all. While  I was ready for confrontation and finger pointing, actually everyone was very helpful – even the African-Carribbean woman who enthusiastically encouraged me to back into her own car!

It shows you that every problem has a solution  so long as you believe. Or that what will happen will happen and you can’t predict the future. Financial experts and weather forecasters have both shown us that they are no better at their predictions than chance.

I think that I am learning to be a fatalist. I’ll still work hard, try to be a good person, be loving and considerate – but recognise that these things and fate are quite separate.

At the same time it makes me wonder why people are so critical of mental health professionals who fail to predict violence or suicide – when it turns out no-one anywhere predicts anything at all!

Filed under: General

What’s it all about?

Welcome to my new blog site. I had been blogging at www.drbourne.weebly.com, but unfortunately I couldn’t edit the site when I was using the 3G card on my laptop – so in the end it was rather pointless as I spend half my week in hotel rooms. Unlike my main website (www.dangerousbehaviour.com) and “IMPACT News” (dangerousbehaviour.wordpress.com), this is a looser, less formal, more personal set of reflections on violence, suicide, self-harm and trauma.

Please join in!

Filed under: General